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I Don't Know How To Say No

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chit Chat' started by Elaine, Jan 8, 2016.

  1. Elaine

    Elaine Member

    One of my friends and I have traveled together a couple of times, but I have had some pretty bad experiences with her. She is the type of person that never wants to get her hair wet, if you know what I mean, and that annoys me a bit because I love adventure and she doesn't enjoy it as much as I do.

    I don't want to break her heart, but she really wants to travel with me next month, and I really don't want her to. How can I tell her nicely that I don't enjoy traveling with her without upsetting her?
    hades_leae and oportosanto like this.

  2. briannagodess

    briannagodess Well-Known Member

    You could try telling her that you want to explore the world first on your own. Maybe tell her that you want to be able to travel by yourself and enjoy being alone at a different place. Tell her that maybe the next time, you can go with her and help her find the best locations in that place. That way, you have already explored the place, tried some adventures with it and then you can then travel along with her. So just she doesn't feel bad or hurt that you left her the first time. Good luck!

  3. Amelie

    Amelie New Member

    I agree with briannagodess. You can give her the partial truth, so to speak, and avoid hurting her feelings altogether. You do want to travel by yourself, and take everything in without having to worry about someone else, right? Or you could even take it a step further and describe to her everything that you want to experience. Lay it all out on the table. Chances are, she might be so put off by all the "crazy" things you want to do that you probably won't even need to turn her down.
  4. Jackie

    Jackie Member

    I like Amelie's idea. Since you already know she is less adventurous than you, play up all of the things you know she'll be too fearful to do. Make a really big deal about how excited you are about all of these adventures and how upset and disappointed you would be if you couldn't do those things while you were there.
  5. amelia88

    amelia88 Active Member

    I think the best approach is to be honest - easier said than done, sometimes. But you could simply say that you and her have very different traveling styles, and that you wouldn't want either of you to miss out on things or not enjoy activities that the other one wants to do. Maybe you could encourage her to find a travel partner that is a bit more compatible and similar to her and what she likes to do on a vacation.
  6. Bayleaf

    Bayleaf New Member

    I don't think having quite different expectations from a holiday is the biggest issue here, as you can always agree on things that will suit you both and be clear there will be times when you do your own thing too.

    Elaine, you said in your message that you ' have had some pretty bad experiences with her', which sounds like she expects to be with her travel partner 24/7. If that's the case then you really need to make it clear it won't work. It would be unfair to you both to do anything less.
  7. RBean

    RBean New Member

    I agree with everything said above. Don't lie and just be truthful. Make sure you have a list of things you want to do but know she won't, that way it backs you up when you explain why you are going alone.
  8. Jackie

    Jackie Member

    Gah, I have such a hard time with negative honesty or honest criticism or whatever you want to call it. I have such a hard time telling people that I don't want to do things they want to do! Good luck to the OP. I agree that honesty is the best policy but personally, I've yet to figure a way to be honest without also being hurtful.
  9. knitmehere

    knitmehere Member

    If you want to be honest without sounding rude, just mention that you have another friend who would like to come this time and you'd like the chance to travel with someone new this time.
  10. Elaine

    Elaine Member

    Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I don't feel very comfortable lying to her, so I guess I am going to have to tell her the truth and be honest.
    oportosanto likes this.
  11. Teheura

    Teheura New Member

    I like the suggestions of the others but she might feel left out. She loves you and wants to travel with you. However, she is not adventurous and this makes your time less enjoyable. I would tell her that you don't have a problem as long as she will do the things you want. Tell her what you want to do and let her make up her mind. If she isn't willing to join in and do this then I would nicely suggest that she stay home.
  12. Dakota

    Dakota New Member

    At time the truth hurts and you have no other choice. If you feel this strongly about not taking your girlfriend with you on your trip. I feel you need to tell her the truth and why you don't want her to go. Otherwise, you can try and test her a bit before leaving. Decide on a few adventures you'd love to do while in India. Afterwards, find a few adventures around where you live that would work nicely for a test. Ask her to go there with you. See what happens. If she fails and doesn't want to do this. Then you have no choice but to leave her behind.
  13. johnstatler14

    johnstatler14 New Member

    Oh man. I'm not sure if there is a way to let her down without, you know, letting her down. Just lay it gently, use nice words. The truth hurts, and sometimes you've gotta draw the line. Or you could try talking it out with her, perhaps she'll change, try to be a little more adventurous, if it means getting to travel with you. Good luck!
  14. Joanne

    Joanne New Member

    That one is hard. I feel the same way about my boyfriend at times. We took one trip to Mexico and it was a complete drag. He got sunburned the first day we were there. He refused to put on sunscreen and his skin burns so easily. The rest of the trip was a complete bummer. I personally won't go with him again because of this. He gets angry with me each time I take off with my friends. But how can you go with a person who hates to use sunscreen and get burned so badly when he's out in the sun?
  15. Sheba

    Sheba New Member

    This can be hard. But in my books it's better to just say it. She might be hurt and angry for a long time to come. However, if you're not happy traveling with her and she is not adventurous it is better to go alone or with a few friends.
  16. Peter

    Peter New Member

    Oh man this has got to be hard. I know if I did this to my wife she'd divorce me. We love to do the same things and have such a good time traveling together. I have even taken her on business trips so we can sight see at night.
  17. Ted

    Ted New Member

    This is not an easy thing to do, Elaine. However, in my opinion, it will definitely hurt her more if she finds out that you have been lying to her. So I suggest you tell her the truth.
  18. Delilah

    Delilah New Member

    Being honest is the way to go in my opinion. I think your friend will respect you more if you tell her the truth, because she will end up knowing anyway.
  19. Voyager

    Voyager New Member

    Saying no is really an art. But then on the other hand it is always good to be honest and till the time you have a valid reason I don't think that your friend would mind. Even if she does, she will appreciate the fact that you were honest with her.
  20. Vinaya

    Vinaya Member

    I don't see any point on trying to be too good.If she does not like what you like, you are under no compulsion to try on the thing that she like. MY advice: talk to her about your interest and if she can cope with that you can travel with her, otherwise say no.
  21. swalia

    swalia Guest

    I think that you should be honest with her. Tell her about your interests and the things and adventures you want to do while traveling. If she is really your friend then she will understand.
  22. lucy2017

    lucy2017 New Member

    That's a tricky one because you don't want to hurt her feelings or ruin a relationship.
    However, if she's holding you back from doing what you want to do you need to say something. You pay the money to go travelling - make sure you live it up!
    If I was you I would just tell her you want to experience things that maybe she wouldn't feel like doing and that you don't think it would be the kind of trip she would like to go to. I am sure she will understand, and if not, just have a good time anyway!
  23. xTinx

    xTinx Member

    You know, if a travel buddy of yours is not doing her part, you have every right to tell her so. Your whole travel experience will be ruined with an uncooperative companion. Again, let this be a clear lesson: choose a travel buddy whose sense of adventure and travel habits match yours. Otherwise, it would be a pain in the neck.
  24. joshkhtan

    joshkhtan New Member

    I've had an experience like that once. Although our travelling group consisted of about 11 people. Our solution was to go with 10, leaving out the 1 which we all agreed we didn't want to travel with. It's been two years since that trip and he's still salty about it until this day. My advice would be that if you truly care about this girl, just suck it up and do it because at the end of the day all you have is friendship. Alternatively you could add one more person to the group and have him/her accompany your friend when she "doesn't want to get her hair wet" :)
  25. integrity101

    integrity101 Member

    I'd look for the most horrifying travel plans and describe them to her in full color gory details. She'll either be too scared to tag along or change her unadventurous attitude once and for all. Otherwise just be true to her and calmly express your concerns to her and maybe she might change or skip the trip altogether.
  26. GinaMax

    GinaMax Member

    Just be brave and honest. You do not have to be cruel about it, but you do not want to make excuses. If you start making excuses now then you will be in even worse trouble. I know it is not easy to tell someone something they do not want to hear.Use the good bad good technique. Hit her with something positive, "I really value our friendship", then the bad news "I do not want to take me with you because I want to get dirty, down in the mud, and you complain about this" then the good "I have a lot of fun doing x with you, how about we do that instead."
  27. jnorth88

    jnorth88 Active Member

    In situations like this, it is important to communicate. That may seem very difficult, because we tend to take things poorly and look at criticism as a personal attack. But there are some tricks. Have you told her what you want to accomplish? Tell her you want adventure, to let your hair down and be wild, or whatever is your plan. Say you are looking to really experience things, and you feel like she may not enjoy herself. That is a polite way of making her look at her self and examine the situation. Maybe, too, it would make her act more in line with your plans.
  28. iseeyou

    iseeyou New Member

    I think it's best to just outright say what you expect from this trip. This is a big deal and i imagine the budget is no joke so you owe it to yourself to make the best out of this trip. If she's opposed to your idea, then i guess you're better off without her. She'll just spoil your trip and that's the last thing you want. It's odd though how she wants to travel but she's not down to some spontaneous adventures, I mean that's the best part of any kinds of travels.
  29. oportosanto

    oportosanto New Member

    This was precisely the advice I was about to give you. I mean, I don't know about you, but for me traveling is a big deal, involved money and time available, so I think you are better off doing it with someone who shares your interests.
  30. cecejailer

    cecejailer New Member

    You have to be brave and forward with her. You have to tell her that although you value your friendship, she is not your favorite traveling buddy. If she's a sane person, she will understand, if she's not, maybe you're better off without her... But I don't see her trying to end the friendship because of something this trivial. I'm betting she will understand.
  31. GammaRay

    GammaRay Member

    Do you like this friend? Aside from the fact that you travel together? Do you enjoy going out to movies or just staying at home? If you guys are close enough I think she'll understand and when you tell her how you feel I think you should be honest about what you want in your friendship, that you still want to hang out with her but not travel with her.
  32. hades_leae

    hades_leae New Member

    I have had the same problem, but I got over it pretty quick, I let my buddy know how he was and how his actions make for a terrible time. You should be straight forward and let her know what you notice and how it kind of makes the trips boring because she refuses to try not to be too perfect and don't want to get loose sometimes which is OK, especially ona vacation.
  33. Normad

    Normad New Member

    This is great. I have the exact same problem, but with my boyfriend. He wants to go everywhere I go, but he is just no fun when we are travelling. He overthinks everything and he is never relaxed when we're on a trip. He worries constantly about everything and what could go wrong and he leaves himself no time to enjoy the moment. I know my trips would be way better without him, but until now, I haven't had any ideas of how I could do it. Now I do.. Thanks.
  34. audrinaa

    audrinaa New Member

    Okay, I know this is a late post. I do apologize, but I was curious as to how that situation went. Did you nicely tell her that you didn't want her to go? Could you do it? Or did she end up going with you. I know how hard it is tell people no, because you don't want to see your loved ones get hurt. You definitely don't want to be the person hurting the other person. I really hope that you got to have your adventure.
  35. Trevlr

    Trevlr New Member

    You can talk to her and explain why you like travelling. Always avoid travelling with somebody you don't have common interests with. She must know that you travel because you are adventurous. Don't limit your travel plans because of somebody who don't want to travel. If she is not understanding then consider travelling alone so that you can fulfil your travelling plans.